please let me sing in the choir, in the choir. . . .

so i’ve got this secret and i’ve never told anyone before and i thought this would be the best way to free myself of years of shame. let the whole world know. a medium that reaches worldwide. or at least to the 3 of you that find me amusing.

i don’t know what size underwear i wear. there, now it’s out. i feel free already. ok so its not that big of a deal to you but i have never been able to buy the right size underwear. what i wear in a pant size does not correspond to my unmentionables. for instance, i haven’t bought drawers in several years(except for the boxers i bought to wear on the cruise last year, and they didn’t fit either). i bought some yesterday at walmart. they were on sale 7 pairs of tighty whiteys for $7. what a deal. i love walmart. so i get home and open the pack and pull out a pair of underwear that would have saved d.b. cooper’s life. they were huge, not to mention if i put them on and pulled them up they would go up to my boobs. if i wore them at my waist the bottoms would be around my knees. now i’m a big guy but i ain’t 9 feet tall. in fact most fat guys you see are short and round. anyway, i didn’t even attempt to put them on. my wonderful wife took them back to walmart today and swapped them for the next smaller size. i don’t even want to think about what the lady at customer service was thinking when she saw my petite wife bringing back goliaths briefs. so, she gets home and once again i’m excited because i get to put on a new pair of drawers for the 1st time in probably 6 years. i got out of the shower, ripped open the bag and inspected my new drawers. they were the right length this time so i jumped in with much gusto and gained several octaves to my manly voice. how in the world can you go from king kong to curious george in 1 size increment.

so tomorrow i will be singing with the sopranos but at least i’ll have new underwear.